Had the opportunity last week to talk to the church visitors about visiting families. Visiting has a lot of things to be aware of in terms of training but I felt it is important to share that visiting families isn't the same as visiting everyone else.
I included a section on my trusty visiting bag. I also handed out some shells at the start, something from my visiting bag but also something to get people talking and thinking a bit differently.
Here is some other information I shared:
Certain things to remember:
- families like others are very busy people, they have busy lifestyles with many activities to fit into their days. Just turning up can work, which as visitors is the way it generally happens but if you decide not to make an appointment then be aware that at certain times if you are going to visit the whole family they are not going to be in:
- school pick up time
- school drop off time
- after 7.30pm
- if you want to see the whole family (& they're older than 4yrs) general day time isn’t good
I included a section on my trusty visiting bag. I also handed out some shells at the start, something from my visiting bag but also something to get people talking and thinking a bit differently.
Here is some other information I shared:
Certain things to remember:
- families like others are very busy people, they have busy lifestyles with many activities to fit into their days. Just turning up can work, which as visitors is the way it generally happens but if you decide not to make an appointment then be aware that at certain times if you are going to visit the whole family they are not going to be in:
- school pick up time
- school drop off time
- after 7.30pm
- if you want to see the whole family (& they're older than 4yrs) general day time isn’t good
- obviously, as with any other visit, it’s good to have a general awareness of what the person you are visiting does – if they work full time then any day time visit isn’t going to be ideal
- with most families I book in a time but that will be harder for you if you visit every month
When you visit the family it isn’t just about seeing the parents, the children are part of your visit as well
- this leads to a different dynamic
- the issue with this is that it’s two lots of attention, one of the things I have been told the minister does is that he spends time with the children and then says to the children that he is going to chat with the parents now - “say to the children that they will take time to play with them but later it will be mummy & daddy time and so then they will need time alone with them” I’ve had one experience of trying to speak to a mother about her problems while her daughter is trying to play peek-a-boo with me.
- remembering the names of all the family is important, if you’re not sure of the names check the visiting list just before you go in and try to remember – it doesn’t always work but name knowledge is helpful
- don’t be left entirely on your own with the children, make sure the parents are around and doors are left open – for your safety as well as theirs
- as with any other visit know roughly how long you are going to stay at the place, and if you are in the middle of a game with a child give them a 5-10min warning, weird to get up in the middle of the game and just leave
- like with all over visits the people you are visiting will have different needs, and some will be the typical needs of others you visit and some won’t. By visiting the family you may bring something needed into their family, a local person who can be their honorary grandparent, someone who will be an example to them in the Christian sense, someone who they can share their parenting worries with, someone who can play with their children and maybe be an example of the different ways that you can play with their children or simply, someone who can visit and be a great contact with the church
- as with any visit wait to be invited in, don’t expect to only get as far as the front door and don’t expect to be invited in, every visit and family is different
- You might walk in on a crazy situation, kids in the middle of a game, parents in the middle of cooking dinner, bags being packed for an activity or lego everywhere – be prepared for anything
- it means you get to have play time
Specifically time with the children:
- the children may welcome you and drag you straight into play or be really uncomfortable with you, every visit is different, I’ve had visits where the children are really happy to see me and drag me in to play games and ones where they have hid under the table
- the children may be in the middle of watching a programme or playing a game, just because you are ready to spend time with them doesn’t mean they are ready to spend time with you. Give them time to finish what they are doing or even do it with them – watch tv with them, ask if you can join in the next game and take a moment to learn the rules and how to play, be gracious
- Children don’t want to be over-awed with questions, I tend to get this wrong, repeatedly asking questions about school about church but spending time with them, playing with them can sometimes lead to better conversations or time together
- Do a bit of research. Knowing a bit about something children like can make a big difference to your visit, so if you are visiting a pre-school child spend half an hour watching Cbeebies. Or if you are going to visit an older child ask around about what that child or children that age might be into, some children are obsessed with football – look into the premiership. On one visit, where the child was hiding under the table, I saw a picture of Sportacuson the floor. The child came out from under the table once I started talking to them and asking them about Lazy Town.
- Ask the children some questions, e.g. if you are watching television with them or speaking about football but don’t contradict them – if you have asked the question, even if you think they are wrong, otherwise it might just look like you are trying to trip them up
- Be prepared. So if you do your research is there something you can take with you that will make the visit easier. If the child is into colouring is there some colouring in items you can take with you? Can you take some go-gos or match attacks.
- What is your skill? Could you take something with you that you could do with the children that embraces your skills, e.g. making a paper aeroplane, a magic trick
- Don’t underestimate the follow up – if the child has been growing something, maybe you could drop off some sunflower seeds on your next visit. Something small that shows you have listened to the child can make a big difference.
- If there is anything you think needs a follow up then contact me or Richard. And be aware I have email addresses for most of the regular church families
- Visiting Bag!(see other blog posts)
- this leads to a different dynamic
- the issue with this is that it’s two lots of attention, one of the things I have been told the minister does is that he spends time with the children and then says to the children that he is going to chat with the parents now - “say to the children that they will take time to play with them but later it will be mummy & daddy time and so then they will need time alone with them” I’ve had one experience of trying to speak to a mother about her problems while her daughter is trying to play peek-a-boo with me.
- remembering the names of all the family is important, if you’re not sure of the names check the visiting list just before you go in and try to remember – it doesn’t always work but name knowledge is helpful
- don’t be left entirely on your own with the children, make sure the parents are around and doors are left open – for your safety as well as theirs
- as with any other visit know roughly how long you are going to stay at the place, and if you are in the middle of a game with a child give them a 5-10min warning, weird to get up in the middle of the game and just leave
- like with all over visits the people you are visiting will have different needs, and some will be the typical needs of others you visit and some won’t. By visiting the family you may bring something needed into their family, a local person who can be their honorary grandparent, someone who will be an example to them in the Christian sense, someone who they can share their parenting worries with, someone who can play with their children and maybe be an example of the different ways that you can play with their children or simply, someone who can visit and be a great contact with the church
- as with any visit wait to be invited in, don’t expect to only get as far as the front door and don’t expect to be invited in, every visit and family is different
- You might walk in on a crazy situation, kids in the middle of a game, parents in the middle of cooking dinner, bags being packed for an activity or lego everywhere – be prepared for anything
- it means you get to have play time
Specifically time with the children:
- the children may welcome you and drag you straight into play or be really uncomfortable with you, every visit is different, I’ve had visits where the children are really happy to see me and drag me in to play games and ones where they have hid under the table
- the children may be in the middle of watching a programme or playing a game, just because you are ready to spend time with them doesn’t mean they are ready to spend time with you. Give them time to finish what they are doing or even do it with them – watch tv with them, ask if you can join in the next game and take a moment to learn the rules and how to play, be gracious
- Children don’t want to be over-awed with questions, I tend to get this wrong, repeatedly asking questions about school about church but spending time with them, playing with them can sometimes lead to better conversations or time together
- Do a bit of research. Knowing a bit about something children like can make a big difference to your visit, so if you are visiting a pre-school child spend half an hour watching Cbeebies. Or if you are going to visit an older child ask around about what that child or children that age might be into, some children are obsessed with football – look into the premiership. On one visit, where the child was hiding under the table, I saw a picture of Sportacuson the floor. The child came out from under the table once I started talking to them and asking them about Lazy Town.
- Ask the children some questions, e.g. if you are watching television with them or speaking about football but don’t contradict them – if you have asked the question, even if you think they are wrong, otherwise it might just look like you are trying to trip them up
- Be prepared. So if you do your research is there something you can take with you that will make the visit easier. If the child is into colouring is there some colouring in items you can take with you? Can you take some go-gos or match attacks.
- What is your skill? Could you take something with you that you could do with the children that embraces your skills, e.g. making a paper aeroplane, a magic trick
- Don’t underestimate the follow up – if the child has been growing something, maybe you could drop off some sunflower seeds on your next visit. Something small that shows you have listened to the child can make a big difference.
- If there is anything you think needs a follow up then contact me or Richard. And be aware I have email addresses for most of the regular church families
- Visiting Bag!(see other blog posts)
